Christmas Jokes 2022

The 4 stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus 3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus Mrs. Clause: "Is it rain or hail?" Santa: "It's reindeer." What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus. What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper! Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them. What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis! Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws! What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer... Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. What does one ho plus two ho-ho make? Answer, a jolly Santa Who doesn't eat on Christmas? A turkey because it is always stuffed. Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr. Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake. Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs. What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve! How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome. How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings! Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel. What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off? Limp Bizkit Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking. What is the popular Christmas carol in the Desert? Camel ye Faithful. What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause. What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? Mistletoe. How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle. What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel. What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays. What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker. What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents? Silent Night What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad Why doesn't Santa Claus like getting stuck in chimneys? Because he's clause-trophobic. What do you call a Christmas song parody that's not funny? The first no-LOL What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle. Why did Santa bring 22 reindeers to WalMart with him? Because what he wanted to buy at cost around 20 bucks and just in case it cost more he brought some extra doe. What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat? A Merry Can (American) How does Santa Claus take a picture? With a North Pole-roid. Why was Santa cast in a musical? Because he had stage presents (presence). What do you call a sheep who doesn't like Christmas? Baaaaaaaa humbug. Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him! What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays the dragon and the other drags the slay. Why can't you trust baked goods during the holidays? It might be a minced spy. What did the snowman eat? Icebergs with CHILL-i sauce. Where do snowmen go to dance? The snowball. How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down! What do you call a blind reindeer?. I have no eye deer What happens when you use the fireplace on Christmas Eve? You get a Crisp Cringle. What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree? Christmas Chopping. What doesn't Mr. Krabs celebrate Christmas? Cause he's "Shell-Fish" What is Frosty the Snowman's favorite song? Freeze a jolly good fellow... What kind of motorcycle does Santa Claus ride? A Holly Davidson. What do you call a singing elf with sideburns? Elfis. What vaccination does Santa Claus get on Christmas Eve? Shingles. What do you call a scary reindeer? A cariboo. What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence? A Santa clause What do you call a wet animal? "A reindeer" What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you.. What goes "oh oh oh"? Santa walking backwards What do you call a smelly Santa? "Farter Christmas" Where does Santa keep his money? A snow bank. What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole? Bi-Polar What do you call the wrapping paper leftover from opening presents? A Christ-MESS What did the little elves have to do when they got home from school? Gnome-work! What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? Santa paws! What cars do elfs drive? A toy yota. Who delivers Christmas presents to cats? Santa claws! What did you get for Christmas? I got fat. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho ho ho What do you call buying a piano for the holidays? Christmas Chopin. What do you learn at Santa's Helpers school The elf-a-bet What does Christmas and weirdo's have in commen? Fruitcake. What does "The Grinch" do with a baseball bat? Hit a gnome and run. What did Santa say when he got stuck? Ho Ho Helllpppppp!. How do you help someone who has lost the Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf. Where does Santa and his reindeer go to get hot chocolate while flying in the sky? Star-bucks What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-Aments. Why was the ornament addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life. What do you call a snowman that can walk? Snow-mobile. What does a Pirate Santa say...? "Row row row.." What do hip hop artists do on Christmas? Unwrap. What show does a squirrel see on Christmas Day? The Nutcracker. What's Santa's favorite snack food? Crisp Pringles. Why is Meek Mill like an elf? Because he spends all his time wrapping. Where does Santa stay when he is on a vacation? A Ho-Ho-Ho-Tel. Have you heard the Christmas carol about blondes? Its called "Not playing with a full deck the halls". Why did Santa get married? Clause he wanted a last name! Why wouldn't Santa ride his sleigh? For elf and safety concerns. - ONE LINERS - Boy: Are you Christmas? Because I wanna merry you! Girl: Is your last name Hall? Cause I wanna Deck The Halls. If I was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you. Watching Miracle on 34th Street makes me so santa-mental. One goose says to the other "Do you believe in life after Christmas?" How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? Olive ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Knock Knock! Whos there? Mary and Abby! Mary and Abby who? Mary Christmas and a Abby new year. Knock Knock Who's there? Tissue. Tissue Who? All I Want For Christmas Tissue... Knock knock Who's there? Hannah. Hannah who? Hannah Partridge in a pear tree. Boy: What are we celebrating this Christmas? Mom: Jesus' birth! Boy: Wasn't he born last year? Christmas One Liners I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving. The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents. Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in case the Mayans were right? For Christmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls. All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu........to get hit by a reindeer Last Christmas, I gave you my scarf but the very next day, you called it "dumb and gay" My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is imaginary. I got more hoes than Santa Claus. I thought I'd get in trouble for taking a baseball bat to my neighbors Christmas decorations, but now I'm gnome free. It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas. This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion. Yo mama so fat when she triend to talk to Santa Clause, Santa Clause said "Why u doing the harlem shake?" May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket! Due to a shortage of coal. Santa started giving Cleveland browns tickets for christmas. Dear Christmas Carolers, the only thing that can bring "Joy To The World" is a "Silent Night". Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died. To all the people that piss me off, I hope you get Crocs for Christmas. I had a dream about my kids finding their gifts early or as I like to call it "The Nightmare Before Christmas". A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy. A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back from Santa: send me your mother! So when someone ask you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" is it so wrong to point out your liquor cabinet? When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas! My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day. Dear Santa, I can explain..... Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you'd been good this year! your mum is so fat that I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing! Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs. I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa. More Jokes Galore - 103 Questions/Ansers from WomansDay, 205 Questions/AnswersTheHolidaySpot, DanyaBanya, WhyChristmas, Printable PDF Thanks For Visiting